There's no such thing as immortality.

All my life, I always felt unlucky. I used to always watch kids around me bubbling with laughter and filled with joviality, having a hand to hold, ears to confine secrets to, bodies to heat and fingers to wipe away their straining tears.

And then there's me. The only girl with no one but herself to hold and console.

I'm talking about friendship.

Not love but something else that is forever craved by a beating heart.

And my beating heart still lusts over it.

All my life I've never felt the magic behind friendship or maybe I have, for a fraction, but the magic soon turned into a black crow eating at my insides.

Friend ship has back stabbed me so many times.

I've lost the ability to pronounce the word friend let alone trust.

Every person I've let come near has abandoned me leaving nothing but open scars.

I've given up on frienship.

Be careful if you're reading this and trust me saying this. Never give a friend your full will and soul because they might hold on to it but the time will come when that hold tightens up only to crush.

And you'll be left unhealed.

I'm not being narcissistic like some might say, I have nothing against real friendship. If you've been so blessed as to have one then you're one in a million who's been oh so miraculously given mercy and shielded from the darkness that evolves around that word.

Friendship.

I just want to beg you all to never give anyone your full trust. Don't ever rely on someone like your whole being depended on them. They're not from the same blood. They'd never fully appreciate you back, no matter how close you are.

There's always a demon.

Some things are better unsaid.

Never let the tides push you around.

Hello everyone.

It's been such a long, long, looooong time since I've last written anything on my blog!
I hope you've stayed tuned because I still want to talk to you about a lot of things!
And what provoked me today to finally write this blog is the feeling of insecurity and self-consciousness I get all the time.

What happened precisely is that, I was casually scrolling through Tumblr, all happy and everything's okay until I saw a couple of pictures of beautiful girls and it suddenly hit me that I'll never be this pretty.
I'll never be confident enough to share my own pictures, "because let's face it" I told myself, "I'll just never be as pretty as them." At that moment, my mood crashed down and I felt completely awful.

Why did I feel that way? How could some pictures or mere ideas get to me so much? Why do I feel like I'm always supposed to keep up with all those "cool" girls as you may put it?

This matter has always haunted my thoughts and destroyed my confidence so many times.
And I'm sure it destroyed other girls' confidence too.

You start getting used to the feeling of being ugly, neglected, out of the league, unloved, not good enough.
And you start asking yourself, what does it take to be a tumblr girl? The ideal girl?

While the right question to ask is, "Why do I keep doing this to myself?"

Let's face it, you'll never be like those girls. Unless of course, you're naturally beautiful, then you don't need to read this blog! It's directed for all of you girls, like me, who believe they're not pretty or worthy enough.

Let's discuss this issue by issue.

I know most girls dream to be like those models on magazines or as we've said before on tumblr.
But I'm sure you won't feel the same after discovering the MAGIC OF MAKE-UP, because believe it or not, I've seen way too many girls, even on youtube, literally drowning themselves in make-up to look flawless. But what happens after they remove all that make-up? They get to see a whole new different person in the mirror. And some of them develop a strong attachment and need to use make-up that they feel completely and utterly ugly and unconfident without it, to the point where it could take control over their life and eventually back-fires against them.
Face it, you can't keep living with make-up covering your face. And at some point in your life, you'll have to face others (family, friends, boyfriend) without a mask and they'll have to love you for your real you not the "plastic" you.

And as it is known, none of those women on the magazines are real. It's all photoshop and adjustments.

Another thing I've been hearing a lot is, "I wanna be like that, I wanna be like this" to the point where the female has to go through dying her hair, piercing her body even doing some body modifications just to resemble a picture she saw and have herself believe that she is now pretty.
But in the process she destroys her real image.
A lot of the girls I know, did the same thing and years later they deeply regretted it.

Another thing I've been hearing is "Thigh gaps" I googled them and trust me, I laughed.
Are girls actually killing their body and health for a bit of space between their thighs? What absurdity is this?
No, you most certainly do not need a thigh gap to be pretty. So many girls have gone too far and lost a lot of weight for this and trust me, having only bones as legs is not attractive, it's abnormal and scary as hell.

Why do we always have to look down on ourselves and forget all about the gifts we have?
You don't have to be beautiful to feel confident! As a matter of fact, guys are more attracted to an average-looking girl with a confident, strong, outgoing personality than a beautiful girl with a shy personality.

Your body is not what you're measured by, it's your character that defines you from other people.

But of course, that doesn't mean you neglect your appearance. In fact, pay it attention. Apply some light make-up, style your hair and put on something beautiful clothes to boost your confidence!

And never ever let other girls or anything get to you and bring you down. Everyone has beauty inside of them, they just have to let it shine!

Be Yourself

So, I was walking in the mall the other day with my cousin and I had my Black Veil Brides shirt on. I kinda felt uneasy and like scared and kept hiding my shirt.. I guess I felt a bit insecure that people are gonna judge me on what I wear and I don't know I guess I was afraid of that. But like in the end I realized that I'm just covering what I love and what defines my personality, my likes and I hated that so I stopped hiding.
A realization hit me.

Why are most of us afraid of showing who we really are. Like, that shirt says what I like, who I am as a teenage so I shouldn't be embarrassed by it? I'm not sure "embarrassed" is the right word but it kinda describes the moment. And when I stopped hiding it, I felt kinda strong or something like I'm in control and I won't let my thoughts get the best of me. So practically what happened is that I shut that little voice in the back of my head that always keeps me caged in my insecurities. And although it's kind of an insignificant situation but it did make me learn something and that's the whole point.

You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are or what you like and stuff because that's what defines you as a person, I mean that's how you were born and you should embrace that. Nobody's like the other. Every person is different and if someone is making fun of someone else just because he differs from him then that person is a loser and simple-minded.

So, basically be who you are and unleash yourself and never let anyone put you down, don't even let your own self put you down, because you are all amazing human beings!



By the way, I got a couple of compliments on my shirt.. Oh yeah ;)

life worth the struggle

100 Reasons to Stay Alive~Just a friendly reminder in case you had forgotten all of the wonderful little things that makes life worth the struggle

Concerts

It sucks being one of those people who don’t get a chance to go to a concert so you’d always just sit there listening to your ipod and watching concerts online and crying over your shitty luck and the scariest part is that you’ll grow up, marry and have children, then one day when you’re driving them off from school you open the radio to a classic rock station that announces the break up of one of your favorite bands when you were a teenage and you realize that most of them are old now and some have retired and you’re just sitting there cursing your life for not letting you go to a fucking concert and meet your heroes.

Stay Strong; You're not alone (♥)

" if you ever felt alone, if you ever felt rejected, if you ever felt confused, if you ever felt lost, if you ever felt anxious, if you ever felt wrong, if you ever felt wronged, if you ever felt unclean, if you ever felt angry, if you ever felt ashamed, if you ever felt curious, if you ever felt used. " - My Chemical Romance.

Know you're not alone.

I bet most of the time you wonder, why your life is so meaningless, why doesn't anybody like you or share your interests, why you are neglected and ignored, why you are so worthless, why you're made fun of, why you are abused, why you self harm, why you are suicidal, why you are alienated, why you have no friends, why you are so empty .. 

Firstly, YOU ARE A UNIQUE PERSON and you're beautiful. Yes, yes you are. The outside is just an empty shell, what matters is what is on the inside, that's the real you, that's where your beauty really lies. 

Secondly, you're not alone. All those feelings you have, all those problems and depression and self harm or whatever you're going through. Please remember, it's not just you. There are thousands maybe millions of teenagers suffering what you're going through. And I'm one of them. I've been suffering from major depressive disorder for two years now, i had this one friend i lost because of other kids telling her how she should stop talking to me because i'm weird and a loser. Every day my mom screams at me and hits me for practically no reason. I self harm, I even have suicidal thoughts now and then. I'm even writing this at my aunt's house because my mom kicked me out. She simply said she doesn't want me anymore. But I'm not letting that affect me, I am fighting.

I said this to make you know, that you're not the only one suffering. 

I know that "Life gets better and you'll be okay" sounds as a lie to you all of the time, but if you don't fight to make those words come true, then you have nothing. No matter how shitty and fucked up your life is, it does get better only if you fight.  

Remember that you have friends and family, try to be open and talk out what's bothering you to the most person you know who won't judge you or hurt you. Those people can make the healing process 100% more easier. Talk to a friend you trust or a family member and if you have no person to go to, counselling always helps. I started going to sessions two days ago and talked everything out and it made me feel so much better, just letting all the negative emotions and thoughts suppressed inside fly out. 

" I promise you, I felt so hopeless and I know you do too, but I promise you guys a thousand times, that recovery is really possible, you can get through this, you can over come it whatever your issue may be. "

fucking forget the haters. You see, some people, this fucked up society they want you dead. They want you to give up and hurt yourself  because some of them are cruel with no heart. They're the type of people that feed on others' suffering and misery, but in the end they achieve nothing. Because hate never gets you anywhere and if you hurt yourself you're just losing to them and they'll simply move to somebody else to torture when you break down. So don't. Stay strong and keep your head up so the crown won't fall and walk forward, because I believe you can do anything. 

And one of the biggest evidence that life gets better are idols. Those people who we look up too. Just think about it, stop whatever you're doing for a moment and think, why are they your idols? Why do they mean so much to you? Why do you look up to them so much? And i'm sure 80% would say the same thing.

"They had the same past, same problems and they made it through." or "They achieved what i'm trying to achiever or who i wanna be in the future." And that gives you hope to move along, and push through everything to become like them. 

Some of my idols that's inspired me to be the strong person I am today are Vic Fuentes, Austin Carlile, Oli Sykes, Kellin Quinn, Chris Motionless even Eminem. They all went through shit from self harm to bullying to losing a loved one to not being accepted to have a broken home to anxiety attacks to drugs, everything! 

But look at them now.  They didn't give up to their circumstances, they battled against them and won, they used all that sadness and anger and hurt and suffering into creating something beautiful. Art. 

They dropped the blade and picked up the pen. And just from this simple decision, they changed the life of millions.

There are so many things you can look up to and admire that'll give you the strength you need and in the process. You have to convince yourself to stay positive and push away all the negative. That's the only way you'll succeed. 

I'm crossing my fingers for all of you, because you're all special and unique people who have a great life ahead of you and I know you have the will within you. (♥) 

Poems

I wrote those two poems out of severe depression. I barely made out the words, being German is difficult. I just tried to express how I feel through words as much as i could, since no one knows how I feel and i'm so tired of suppressing my emotions.

The Kingdom                                     She's the girl         

She's living in a rainbow                                                  She's the girl at the back of the class

in a high towered castle                                                   she's the girl drowned in black

dressed in diamonds                                                        she's the girl that never talks

and fed with joy                                                               picking up her backpack

                                                                                       and heading home

A beautiful queen

with a golden crown                                                         She doesn't say a word 

sitting on a throne                                                             as she walks to her room

and spreading smiles                                                        straight to her drawer 

                                                                                        where death lies

She starts to hear whispers

coming from behind                                                         A friend with razor-sharp teeth

her walls begin to shake                                                   soothes her skin

and the castle goes crashing down                                    they laugh as she cuts her skin

                                                                                       praying for the end,
                                                                                       her tears stream down
Her dress is torn                                                                 

her shoes are soaked                                                       She hears them talking about her

she's in a darkroom                                                          behind those walls that close in

there's no one left around                                                 they're the only ones
                                                                                       who knew her story 

                                                                                       she's the girl who's screaming inside

The sharp voice screams at her                                        picking up bags of hate

her walls are breaking down                                            every single day

she can no longer fight

it's hard to stay on track                                                   Her emotions claw at the exit

                                                                                        she can no longer bare anymore

She digs her grave                                                            like a tiger that grabs its prey 

and runs the sharp teeth                                                    her thoughts take the best of her

across her skin

                                                                                        Picking up her only friend

The queen has died                                                           making the way across her neck

the grief is back                                                                the razor blade saved her

death has killed this kingdom                                              

And now it's tracing another...                                          blood pours down her chest

                                                                                       it's over now

... Ready for the kill.                                                        no more pain to go...

                                                                                        

                                                                                        ... Now she only hopes to be missed.

                                                                                                                                                                      

Chasing Rainbows.

Hey guys! Long time no blog! I missed blogging so much o'mygod.

What I wanna share today, is a story that has a special place in my heart. It's been inspired from the many things I went through. I'm sure you'll enjoy!

It's my most prized story, so make sure to read+vote+comment and I'll love you forever!

http://www.wattpad.com/story/9950069-chasing-rainbows  << story link!

RIP MITCH LUCKER

I bet most of you don't know who Mitch Lucker is, but today is his death anniversary.

One year has passed since he left us. He was a legend and a great inspiration. His music's helped me through bad times and accompanied me through good times. I cannot begin to express how much I love this guy! And how much I miss him.

Just one year ago, on the 1st of November he tweeted "The Dead Are Living" and the next thing we knew, he was announced to have died due to a motorcycle accident at 6.17am. He was 28 years old.

I can still remember the shock and hurt I felt after reading the announcement, my whole world froze and my heart skipped a beat. It was a tragedy. And a complete loss of another great person.

But legends never die as long as we have them alive in our hearts.
Everyone pray for his daughter, Kenadee Lucker. She's just a girl who has lost the most precious person, her father.

"He was an amazing man. He was a wonderful father and a great husband."

- Live long and Stomp on ✌

at 11:45 something happened and it changed my life.

on the 28th of September, at 11:45pm something happened and it changed my life.

It was my wake up call.

It started off like any other normal, boring day. The weather in London where I live is cold and damp. It's not very tempting at all to wake up and be faced with a depressive atmosphere.. The only positive thing that day was, there wasn't school. They gave us a day off to be able to join in the school's carnival, which I never would because let's face it, I'm no party girl. And besides I don't have that many friends so I made up my mind to stay home and probably listen to some music like usual.. I was basically home alone since my parents come back from work around 9pm and my brother was sleeping over at his friend's. 

A single phone call started it all.. 

It was about 1pm or so I can't really remember that my friend, Amber called me. We weren't that close though, me and Amber, we barely spoke to each other but we did once share three classes together, we connected and started talking more frequent, but it wasn't that much of a bond, just a passing-time friendship. But I did know how much Amber was stressed. I knew that her family are barely at home, her brother has left them to run after his dreams somewhere in Canada so she was stuck with two religious parents. She didn't have much of friends too. She wasn't the type of girl you'd like to occasionally go out with. She had her own beliefs and style, that's what I most admired about her, she was herself without caring what others thought, but she was getting it pretty tough. The hate. She had a slightly gothic style so everyone believed she was satanist and sometimes they'd spit at her or spread rude rumors about her.. To be honest, I was actually scared of being friends with her, not because I don't like her but because I'd get the same treatment if I was seen with her.. And yes, I was stupid, I should've stuck with her and supported her...

That day she told me she wasn't feeling ok and she asked me to drop by and maybe spend a little time with her. I told her I couldn't because well, firstly I had no ride and secondly it was fucking freezing out there and I can't stand the cold. But she kept insisting on me to come and that she needs help but she never said what kind of help or why. So after 10 minutes she gave up and I hung up.

Do you ever get this feeling like something's bad about to happen before it even happens? That suddenly everything seems darker and emotions become suppressed. That's partially what I felt. That something wasn't right, my chest tightened and I felt regret so I dropped the music volume's down and called her again, just to make sure she's ok. She answered of course and she sounded different. I asked her if everything was alright and she said yes everything's fine and that she was just a little bit tired that's all. I offered to do anything, or that maybe I could ask my dad to drop me by when he comes home but she said it'll be too late.

Too late?

I told her I didn't understand. She changed the subject saying she was talking to her grandma, an old lady in her 80 I saw her once she scared me, anyways I hung up again. But that feeling wouldn't leave my chest. So I started drawing and scribbling thinking maybe it'll help me to ignore this feeling. 

This.. Uncomfortable pounding in your heart, I felt it once, the day my friend Alex took her own life. But I just shook the thoughts out of my head because I really didn't wanna go through awful memories all over again.

5:00pm I made lunch, watching some random cartoon and tweeting at the same time. I noticed that Amber was on 15 minutes ago so I was kind of relieved... But why did I feel relieved it's not like I knew what was about to happen..

around 8:00pm my dad came back, earlier than usual and we had lunch together, I told him about the call from Amber and he told me he'd give me a drive if I wanted but I thanked him. I'll probably see her tomorrow at school, I thought. But that tugging at my chest somewhat told me otherwise ,however I chose to ignore it. 

11pm, I was ready to sleep, I was dressed up, set the alarm and I crawled under the covers of my bed. I felt warm and safe there. Closing my eyes I drifted to sleep until a low beep woke me up. My phone at the middle of the night. I was annoyed and frustrated like, who'd call me at almost fucking 12am? Seriously? But as soon as I saw Spiro's number I answered. Spiro is one of my best friends and he's a relative of Amber. Five seconds later I was in utter shock. 

Amber...Is dead? What? When? How? I just talked to her today and she sounded fine. What happened. What have I missed. I felt like puking, I hung up and went straight to the bathroom, everything was spinning and my head was throbbing but I barely noticed because my heart beats covered everything. I felt sick.

This has happened before. I should've saw it coming. I should've. I hated myself, I despised every being of myself. How could I have let this happen. I should've known. That tugging at my chest, the uncomfortable feeling, the thoughts, everything seemed connected. I was helpless. She slipped away right through my fingers. I should've helped her, I should've been there for her, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN but I chose to suppress it and I hated myself, I can't even begin to describe how much I hated myself. 

What ifs filled my head... I just wanted to lie right there and die.

                                                          ---------------------------

At her funeral everything was calm... The weather was a bit cloudy and cold, barely any sunlight though. We were all dressed in black and her parents were crying. They should cry in fact they should drown in tears. They never were home to comfort their daughter, they never knew what she was going through. But who am I to judge? I didn't know what she went through either, I wasn't there for her, we're all to blame.

But I learned to forgive myself, but I could never forget. It's a cycle of life. Same shit keeps repeating itself and you gotta be focused not to fall for the same mistake over and over again. 

I convinced myself I couldn't stay mad and angry nor sad. Someday there's going to be a different girl, with the same problems of insecurity and guilt. And this time I'm going to be there for her.

Thank you, Andy Biersack. ❤

On June 9th 2012. I met Andy Biersack from Black Veil Brides at download festival 2012.
And it was literally the best day of my entire life.

I couldn't believe that, I from among all those people, got a chance to talk to Andy Biersack even for only 5 minutes. I made him a promise that day to try to be more positive, to fight my depression, the need to self harm, suicidal attempts. To always find the bright light even in the darkest situations, not to let anything or anyone put me down. And to keep living with a positive attitude.

I told him my story, and he listened to me. He told me he believed in me, that i'm strong and promised that things always do get better. He asked me to keep my promise for him and myself. I literally bawled in front of him. I told him how much he, the band and their music mean to me and how much they've saved me.

He asked me, the next time we meet, to update him on how i'm doing with this and how i'm feeling..

less than a month ago I turned 15. And 15 days ago I was confirmed to have cancer, Leukemia. And just two days ago one of my friends committed suicide and my parents didn't give me the comfort I need, they never did.. I thought that my life was over. That everything's fucked up. That there's no reason for me to be alive. I remembered that promise I made to Andy and suddenly everything seemed.. Brighter.
I convinced myself to try to maintain being positive. I told myself that i'm not the only 15 year old with cancer, there are other kids even suffering worst types, that million other people suffer the loss of a loved one, that some kids are even being hit and mutilated by their own parents.

I fought my depression and won. I'm now writing this with a smile on my face. And it's all thanks to Andy.

SUPPORT GROUP

I know that some of you are suffering from self harm, suicidal attempts and/or thoughts, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, self hate and other problems.. I want to help every single one of you. 

SELF HARM

I'm a self harmer and I know how hard it is to stop, because it's an addiction. Recovery is so hard, but believe me, its worth it. You can learn to be happy and pain free as time goes by, because I believe in you all and I know you're all strong. 

Self harm alternatives and tips

Try the butterfly method. When you have the urge to cut, draw a butterfly where you want to harm yourself and name it after a loved one, or someone that wants you to get better. If you cut, the butterfly dies. You have to wash it off. If it wears off (and you didn't cut), it is released into the wild to be free. Congratulations -- you made it Another idea is the pen method. Grab a red pen and draw lines (or squiggles or peace signs or whatever floats your goat) all over where'd you cut. When you're done, count the lines. That's how many scars you won't have. 

Carry pictures of your friends and families, look at them whenever you think of harming yourself and say that, the people you will be hurting wont just be you... it will be the people in the pictures as well.

Take a picture of yourself, then print it out. Take a lighter and burn it, when you do this, you're burning the old you and starting a new you.

No matter how hard it may seem, talk to your best friend about it. When you feel like you need to cut again, call them and ask them for an idea to keep your mind off if it, or maybe just talking to them will help. Always believe in yourself. You are an amazing person and don't deserve it. Stay strong and think about people that do love you instead of people that may have bullied you.

SUICIDE

I've tried to kill myself too many times, and failed all times. If one of my Slothticles died, I'd be beyond devastated.. because we're a family now. If you ever feel suicidal then promise to talk to someone, me, your friends anyone. Theres always a reason to live.. 

IF YOUR HEROES ARE STILL HERE, THEN YOU CAN BE AS STRONG AS THEM...

You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.

People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.

EATING DISORDERS

YOU, are enough.. being skinny means nothing. Infact, you're just ruining your body. You're making yourself unhealthy.. maybe you'll think you'll be beautiful and thin but your body will break down. I LOVE YOU HOW YOU ARE <3

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GAINING?!

What do eating disorders make you do?

The two most common types are:

anorexia nervosa - This involves starving the body to an unhealthily low weight. Our hair can fall out. Our bones get thin. Our nails get brittle. Our periods may stop. Dark downy hair can start growing on our arms. Such a bad look. Worst of all, we feel miserable.

bulimia nervosa - This involves bingeing food. This means stuffing in food in a fast, helpless way. Then vomiting after eating. Or taking laxatives (pills that make you poo more) to try to lose weight. Our teeth start to rot. And we feel miserable.

HOTLINES

Stand up for yourself.

>this happened three years ago before my friend, Alex passed away. I've talked about her death in previous blogs so if you're new to this, be sure to go through it from the beginning<

Alright where do I begin?

A bunch of girls at my school picked me from over 1000 students and decided to make my life a living hell.
It started with mean words like "loser, lame, boring" then got bigger and bigger until every word in the book was spat on me "bitch, slut, whore, nobody likes you, die" you name it! Then the rumors came. It spread to the entire school and I was said to be a satanist and that I killed my own cousin... Yes, it got this far.
Soon enough no one would talk to me but that one friend who stayed by my side, her name was Alex,  but bullying soon enough killed her and I couldn't do anything about it but I've talked about it before, so back to my story.
Everything started escalating quickly. I was soon neglected and crowned as the "emo" of the class and I never said anything or complained about it to anybody because I had no one to trust, not even my family so I just kept it to myself..
And everyday I'd go home, lock myself up in my room, cry my eyes out and run sharpies over my body but I never cut. I always stopped myself and played music so loud so no one would hear my crying and yelling that I just could not take this anymore.
One day, one of the mean girls was telling jokes about my in class and I immediately started boiling inside as I was so fucking fed up with everything they did and without thinking or knowing what was I doing. I stood up and yelled at her to shut the fuck up. And out of the blue she came up behind me and punched me on the back of my neck.. This time I didn't stand quiet, I turned around and fucking punched her back.

We beat the hell out of each other until we were broke apart. She got the worst of it luckily. But I ended up going to court and and doing community service for fighting back.

Fucked up right?

But I guess what I'm saying is, always stand up for yourself. Don't let anyone walk all over you. Don't be afraid, ever. Because when I finally stood up against them. They left me alone. Killing yourself is never the answer because things do get better. I promise.