There's no such thing as immortality.

All my life, I always felt unlucky. I used to always watch kids around me bubbling with laughter and filled with joviality, having a hand to hold, ears to confine secrets to, bodies to heat and fingers to wipe away their straining tears.

And then there's me. The only girl with no one but herself to hold and console.

I'm talking about friendship.

Not love but something else that is forever craved by a beating heart.

And my beating heart still lusts over it.

All my life I've never felt the magic behind friendship or maybe I have, for a fraction, but the magic soon turned into a black crow eating at my insides.

Friend ship has back stabbed me so many times.

I've lost the ability to pronounce the word friend let alone trust.

Every person I've let come near has abandoned me leaving nothing but open scars.

I've given up on frienship.

Be careful if you're reading this and trust me saying this. Never give a friend your full will and soul because they might hold on to it but the time will come when that hold tightens up only to crush.

And you'll be left unhealed.

I'm not being narcissistic like some might say, I have nothing against real friendship. If you've been so blessed as to have one then you're one in a million who's been oh so miraculously given mercy and shielded from the darkness that evolves around that word.

Friendship.

I just want to beg you all to never give anyone your full trust. Don't ever rely on someone like your whole being depended on them. They're not from the same blood. They'd never fully appreciate you back, no matter how close you are.

There's always a demon.

Some things are better unsaid.

Never let the tides push you around.

Hello everyone.

It's been such a long, long, looooong time since I've last written anything on my blog!
I hope you've stayed tuned because I still want to talk to you about a lot of things!
And what provoked me today to finally write this blog is the feeling of insecurity and self-consciousness I get all the time.

What happened precisely is that, I was casually scrolling through Tumblr, all happy and everything's okay until I saw a couple of pictures of beautiful girls and it suddenly hit me that I'll never be this pretty.
I'll never be confident enough to share my own pictures, "because let's face it" I told myself, "I'll just never be as pretty as them." At that moment, my mood crashed down and I felt completely awful.

Why did I feel that way? How could some pictures or mere ideas get to me so much? Why do I feel like I'm always supposed to keep up with all those "cool" girls as you may put it?

This matter has always haunted my thoughts and destroyed my confidence so many times.
And I'm sure it destroyed other girls' confidence too.

You start getting used to the feeling of being ugly, neglected, out of the league, unloved, not good enough.
And you start asking yourself, what does it take to be a tumblr girl? The ideal girl?

While the right question to ask is, "Why do I keep doing this to myself?"

Let's face it, you'll never be like those girls. Unless of course, you're naturally beautiful, then you don't need to read this blog! It's directed for all of you girls, like me, who believe they're not pretty or worthy enough.

Let's discuss this issue by issue.

I know most girls dream to be like those models on magazines or as we've said before on tumblr.
But I'm sure you won't feel the same after discovering the MAGIC OF MAKE-UP, because believe it or not, I've seen way too many girls, even on youtube, literally drowning themselves in make-up to look flawless. But what happens after they remove all that make-up? They get to see a whole new different person in the mirror. And some of them develop a strong attachment and need to use make-up that they feel completely and utterly ugly and unconfident without it, to the point where it could take control over their life and eventually back-fires against them.
Face it, you can't keep living with make-up covering your face. And at some point in your life, you'll have to face others (family, friends, boyfriend) without a mask and they'll have to love you for your real you not the "plastic" you.

And as it is known, none of those women on the magazines are real. It's all photoshop and adjustments.

Another thing I've been hearing a lot is, "I wanna be like that, I wanna be like this" to the point where the female has to go through dying her hair, piercing her body even doing some body modifications just to resemble a picture she saw and have herself believe that she is now pretty.
But in the process she destroys her real image.
A lot of the girls I know, did the same thing and years later they deeply regretted it.

Another thing I've been hearing is "Thigh gaps" I googled them and trust me, I laughed.
Are girls actually killing their body and health for a bit of space between their thighs? What absurdity is this?
No, you most certainly do not need a thigh gap to be pretty. So many girls have gone too far and lost a lot of weight for this and trust me, having only bones as legs is not attractive, it's abnormal and scary as hell.

Why do we always have to look down on ourselves and forget all about the gifts we have?
You don't have to be beautiful to feel confident! As a matter of fact, guys are more attracted to an average-looking girl with a confident, strong, outgoing personality than a beautiful girl with a shy personality.

Your body is not what you're measured by, it's your character that defines you from other people.

But of course, that doesn't mean you neglect your appearance. In fact, pay it attention. Apply some light make-up, style your hair and put on something beautiful clothes to boost your confidence!

And never ever let other girls or anything get to you and bring you down. Everyone has beauty inside of them, they just have to let it shine!

Be Yourself

So, I was walking in the mall the other day with my cousin and I had my Black Veil Brides shirt on. I kinda felt uneasy and like scared and kept hiding my shirt.. I guess I felt a bit insecure that people are gonna judge me on what I wear and I don't know I guess I was afraid of that. But like in the end I realized that I'm just covering what I love and what defines my personality, my likes and I hated that so I stopped hiding.
A realization hit me.

Why are most of us afraid of showing who we really are. Like, that shirt says what I like, who I am as a teenage so I shouldn't be embarrassed by it? I'm not sure "embarrassed" is the right word but it kinda describes the moment. And when I stopped hiding it, I felt kinda strong or something like I'm in control and I won't let my thoughts get the best of me. So practically what happened is that I shut that little voice in the back of my head that always keeps me caged in my insecurities. And although it's kind of an insignificant situation but it did make me learn something and that's the whole point.

You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are or what you like and stuff because that's what defines you as a person, I mean that's how you were born and you should embrace that. Nobody's like the other. Every person is different and if someone is making fun of someone else just because he differs from him then that person is a loser and simple-minded.

So, basically be who you are and unleash yourself and never let anyone put you down, don't even let your own self put you down, because you are all amazing human beings!



By the way, I got a couple of compliments on my shirt.. Oh yeah ;)

life worth the struggle

100 Reasons to Stay Alive~Just a friendly reminder in case you had forgotten all of the wonderful little things that makes life worth the struggle

Concerts

It sucks being one of those people who don’t get a chance to go to a concert so you’d always just sit there listening to your ipod and watching concerts online and crying over your shitty luck and the scariest part is that you’ll grow up, marry and have children, then one day when you’re driving them off from school you open the radio to a classic rock station that announces the break up of one of your favorite bands when you were a teenage and you realize that most of them are old now and some have retired and you’re just sitting there cursing your life for not letting you go to a fucking concert and meet your heroes.

Stay Strong; You're not alone (♥)

" if you ever felt alone, if you ever felt rejected, if you ever felt confused, if you ever felt lost, if you ever felt anxious, if you ever felt wrong, if you ever felt wronged, if you ever felt unclean, if you ever felt angry, if you ever felt ashamed, if you ever felt curious, if you ever felt used. " - My Chemical Romance.

Know you're not alone.

I bet most of the time you wonder, why your life is so meaningless, why doesn't anybody like you or share your interests, why you are neglected and ignored, why you are so worthless, why you're made fun of, why you are abused, why you self harm, why you are suicidal, why you are alienated, why you have no friends, why you are so empty .. 

Firstly, YOU ARE A UNIQUE PERSON and you're beautiful. Yes, yes you are. The outside is just an empty shell, what matters is what is on the inside, that's the real you, that's where your beauty really lies. 

Secondly, you're not alone. All those feelings you have, all those problems and depression and self harm or whatever you're going through. Please remember, it's not just you. There are thousands maybe millions of teenagers suffering what you're going through. And I'm one of them. I've been suffering from major depressive disorder for two years now, i had this one friend i lost because of other kids telling her how she should stop talking to me because i'm weird and a loser. Every day my mom screams at me and hits me for practically no reason. I self harm, I even have suicidal thoughts now and then. I'm even writing this at my aunt's house because my mom kicked me out. She simply said she doesn't want me anymore. But I'm not letting that affect me, I am fighting.

I said this to make you know, that you're not the only one suffering. 

I know that "Life gets better and you'll be okay" sounds as a lie to you all of the time, but if you don't fight to make those words come true, then you have nothing. No matter how shitty and fucked up your life is, it does get better only if you fight.  

Remember that you have friends and family, try to be open and talk out what's bothering you to the most person you know who won't judge you or hurt you. Those people can make the healing process 100% more easier. Talk to a friend you trust or a family member and if you have no person to go to, counselling always helps. I started going to sessions two days ago and talked everything out and it made me feel so much better, just letting all the negative emotions and thoughts suppressed inside fly out. 

" I promise you, I felt so hopeless and I know you do too, but I promise you guys a thousand times, that recovery is really possible, you can get through this, you can over come it whatever your issue may be. "

fucking forget the haters. You see, some people, this fucked up society they want you dead. They want you to give up and hurt yourself  because some of them are cruel with no heart. They're the type of people that feed on others' suffering and misery, but in the end they achieve nothing. Because hate never gets you anywhere and if you hurt yourself you're just losing to them and they'll simply move to somebody else to torture when you break down. So don't. Stay strong and keep your head up so the crown won't fall and walk forward, because I believe you can do anything. 

And one of the biggest evidence that life gets better are idols. Those people who we look up too. Just think about it, stop whatever you're doing for a moment and think, why are they your idols? Why do they mean so much to you? Why do you look up to them so much? And i'm sure 80% would say the same thing.

"They had the same past, same problems and they made it through." or "They achieved what i'm trying to achiever or who i wanna be in the future." And that gives you hope to move along, and push through everything to become like them. 

Some of my idols that's inspired me to be the strong person I am today are Vic Fuentes, Austin Carlile, Oli Sykes, Kellin Quinn, Chris Motionless even Eminem. They all went through shit from self harm to bullying to losing a loved one to not being accepted to have a broken home to anxiety attacks to drugs, everything! 

But look at them now.  They didn't give up to their circumstances, they battled against them and won, they used all that sadness and anger and hurt and suffering into creating something beautiful. Art. 

They dropped the blade and picked up the pen. And just from this simple decision, they changed the life of millions.

There are so many things you can look up to and admire that'll give you the strength you need and in the process. You have to convince yourself to stay positive and push away all the negative. That's the only way you'll succeed. 

I'm crossing my fingers for all of you, because you're all special and unique people who have a great life ahead of you and I know you have the will within you. (♥) 

Poems

I wrote those two poems out of severe depression. I barely made out the words, being German is difficult. I just tried to express how I feel through words as much as i could, since no one knows how I feel and i'm so tired of suppressing my emotions.

The Kingdom                                     She's the girl         

She's living in a rainbow                                                  She's the girl at the back of the class

in a high towered castle                                                   she's the girl drowned in black

dressed in diamonds                                                        she's the girl that never talks

and fed with joy                                                               picking up her backpack

                                                                                       and heading home

A beautiful queen

with a golden crown                                                         She doesn't say a word 

sitting on a throne                                                             as she walks to her room

and spreading smiles                                                        straight to her drawer 

                                                                                        where death lies

She starts to hear whispers

coming from behind                                                         A friend with razor-sharp teeth

her walls begin to shake                                                   soothes her skin

and the castle goes crashing down                                    they laugh as she cuts her skin

                                                                                       praying for the end,
                                                                                       her tears stream down
Her dress is torn                                                                 

her shoes are soaked                                                       She hears them talking about her

she's in a darkroom                                                          behind those walls that close in

there's no one left around                                                 they're the only ones
                                                                                       who knew her story 

                                                                                       she's the girl who's screaming inside

The sharp voice screams at her                                        picking up bags of hate

her walls are breaking down                                            every single day

she can no longer fight

it's hard to stay on track                                                   Her emotions claw at the exit

                                                                                        she can no longer bare anymore

She digs her grave                                                            like a tiger that grabs its prey 

and runs the sharp teeth                                                    her thoughts take the best of her

across her skin

                                                                                        Picking up her only friend

The queen has died                                                           making the way across her neck

the grief is back                                                                the razor blade saved her

death has killed this kingdom                                              

And now it's tracing another...                                          blood pours down her chest

                                                                                       it's over now

... Ready for the kill.                                                        no more pain to go...

                                                                                        

                                                                                        ... Now she only hopes to be missed.