Stay Strong; You're not alone (♥)

" if you ever felt alone, if you ever felt rejected, if you ever felt confused, if you ever felt lost, if you ever felt anxious, if you ever felt wrong, if you ever felt wronged, if you ever felt unclean, if you ever felt angry, if you ever felt ashamed, if you ever felt curious, if you ever felt used. " - My Chemical Romance.

Know you're not alone.

I bet most of the time you wonder, why your life is so meaningless, why doesn't anybody like you or share your interests, why you are neglected and ignored, why you are so worthless, why you're made fun of, why you are abused, why you self harm, why you are suicidal, why you are alienated, why you have no friends, why you are so empty .. 

Firstly, YOU ARE A UNIQUE PERSON and you're beautiful. Yes, yes you are. The outside is just an empty shell, what matters is what is on the inside, that's the real you, that's where your beauty really lies. 

Secondly, you're not alone. All those feelings you have, all those problems and depression and self harm or whatever you're going through. Please remember, it's not just you. There are thousands maybe millions of teenagers suffering what you're going through. And I'm one of them. I've been suffering from major depressive disorder for two years now, i had this one friend i lost because of other kids telling her how she should stop talking to me because i'm weird and a loser. Every day my mom screams at me and hits me for practically no reason. I self harm, I even have suicidal thoughts now and then. I'm even writing this at my aunt's house because my mom kicked me out. She simply said she doesn't want me anymore. But I'm not letting that affect me, I am fighting.

I said this to make you know, that you're not the only one suffering. 

I know that "Life gets better and you'll be okay" sounds as a lie to you all of the time, but if you don't fight to make those words come true, then you have nothing. No matter how shitty and fucked up your life is, it does get better only if you fight.  

Remember that you have friends and family, try to be open and talk out what's bothering you to the most person you know who won't judge you or hurt you. Those people can make the healing process 100% more easier. Talk to a friend you trust or a family member and if you have no person to go to, counselling always helps. I started going to sessions two days ago and talked everything out and it made me feel so much better, just letting all the negative emotions and thoughts suppressed inside fly out. 

" I promise you, I felt so hopeless and I know you do too, but I promise you guys a thousand times, that recovery is really possible, you can get through this, you can over come it whatever your issue may be. "

fucking forget the haters. You see, some people, this fucked up society they want you dead. They want you to give up and hurt yourself  because some of them are cruel with no heart. They're the type of people that feed on others' suffering and misery, but in the end they achieve nothing. Because hate never gets you anywhere and if you hurt yourself you're just losing to them and they'll simply move to somebody else to torture when you break down. So don't. Stay strong and keep your head up so the crown won't fall and walk forward, because I believe you can do anything. 

And one of the biggest evidence that life gets better are idols. Those people who we look up too. Just think about it, stop whatever you're doing for a moment and think, why are they your idols? Why do they mean so much to you? Why do you look up to them so much? And i'm sure 80% would say the same thing.

"They had the same past, same problems and they made it through." or "They achieved what i'm trying to achiever or who i wanna be in the future." And that gives you hope to move along, and push through everything to become like them. 

Some of my idols that's inspired me to be the strong person I am today are Vic Fuentes, Austin Carlile, Oli Sykes, Kellin Quinn, Chris Motionless even Eminem. They all went through shit from self harm to bullying to losing a loved one to not being accepted to have a broken home to anxiety attacks to drugs, everything! 

But look at them now.  They didn't give up to their circumstances, they battled against them and won, they used all that sadness and anger and hurt and suffering into creating something beautiful. Art. 

They dropped the blade and picked up the pen. And just from this simple decision, they changed the life of millions.

There are so many things you can look up to and admire that'll give you the strength you need and in the process. You have to convince yourself to stay positive and push away all the negative. That's the only way you'll succeed. 

I'm crossing my fingers for all of you, because you're all special and unique people who have a great life ahead of you and I know you have the will within you. (♥) 

Poems

I wrote those two poems out of severe depression. I barely made out the words, being German is difficult. I just tried to express how I feel through words as much as i could, since no one knows how I feel and i'm so tired of suppressing my emotions.

The Kingdom                                     She's the girl         

She's living in a rainbow                                                  She's the girl at the back of the class

in a high towered castle                                                   she's the girl drowned in black

dressed in diamonds                                                        she's the girl that never talks

and fed with joy                                                               picking up her backpack

                                                                                       and heading home

A beautiful queen

with a golden crown                                                         She doesn't say a word 

sitting on a throne                                                             as she walks to her room

and spreading smiles                                                        straight to her drawer 

                                                                                        where death lies

She starts to hear whispers

coming from behind                                                         A friend with razor-sharp teeth

her walls begin to shake                                                   soothes her skin

and the castle goes crashing down                                    they laugh as she cuts her skin

                                                                                       praying for the end,
                                                                                       her tears stream down
Her dress is torn                                                                 

her shoes are soaked                                                       She hears them talking about her

she's in a darkroom                                                          behind those walls that close in

there's no one left around                                                 they're the only ones
                                                                                       who knew her story 

                                                                                       she's the girl who's screaming inside

The sharp voice screams at her                                        picking up bags of hate

her walls are breaking down                                            every single day

she can no longer fight

it's hard to stay on track                                                   Her emotions claw at the exit

                                                                                        she can no longer bare anymore

She digs her grave                                                            like a tiger that grabs its prey 

and runs the sharp teeth                                                    her thoughts take the best of her

across her skin

                                                                                        Picking up her only friend

The queen has died                                                           making the way across her neck

the grief is back                                                                the razor blade saved her

death has killed this kingdom                                              

And now it's tracing another...                                          blood pours down her chest

                                                                                       it's over now

... Ready for the kill.                                                        no more pain to go...

                                                                                        

                                                                                        ... Now she only hopes to be missed.

                                                                                                                                                                      

Chasing Rainbows.

Hey guys! Long time no blog! I missed blogging so much o'mygod.

What I wanna share today, is a story that has a special place in my heart. It's been inspired from the many things I went through. I'm sure you'll enjoy!

It's my most prized story, so make sure to read+vote+comment and I'll love you forever!

http://www.wattpad.com/story/9950069-chasing-rainbows  << story link!

RIP MITCH LUCKER

I bet most of you don't know who Mitch Lucker is, but today is his death anniversary.

One year has passed since he left us. He was a legend and a great inspiration. His music's helped me through bad times and accompanied me through good times. I cannot begin to express how much I love this guy! And how much I miss him.

Just one year ago, on the 1st of November he tweeted "The Dead Are Living" and the next thing we knew, he was announced to have died due to a motorcycle accident at 6.17am. He was 28 years old.

I can still remember the shock and hurt I felt after reading the announcement, my whole world froze and my heart skipped a beat. It was a tragedy. And a complete loss of another great person.

But legends never die as long as we have them alive in our hearts.
Everyone pray for his daughter, Kenadee Lucker. She's just a girl who has lost the most precious person, her father.

"He was an amazing man. He was a wonderful father and a great husband."

- Live long and Stomp on ✌

at 11:45 something happened and it changed my life.

on the 28th of September, at 11:45pm something happened and it changed my life.

It was my wake up call.

It started off like any other normal, boring day. The weather in London where I live is cold and damp. It's not very tempting at all to wake up and be faced with a depressive atmosphere.. The only positive thing that day was, there wasn't school. They gave us a day off to be able to join in the school's carnival, which I never would because let's face it, I'm no party girl. And besides I don't have that many friends so I made up my mind to stay home and probably listen to some music like usual.. I was basically home alone since my parents come back from work around 9pm and my brother was sleeping over at his friend's. 

A single phone call started it all.. 

It was about 1pm or so I can't really remember that my friend, Amber called me. We weren't that close though, me and Amber, we barely spoke to each other but we did once share three classes together, we connected and started talking more frequent, but it wasn't that much of a bond, just a passing-time friendship. But I did know how much Amber was stressed. I knew that her family are barely at home, her brother has left them to run after his dreams somewhere in Canada so she was stuck with two religious parents. She didn't have much of friends too. She wasn't the type of girl you'd like to occasionally go out with. She had her own beliefs and style, that's what I most admired about her, she was herself without caring what others thought, but she was getting it pretty tough. The hate. She had a slightly gothic style so everyone believed she was satanist and sometimes they'd spit at her or spread rude rumors about her.. To be honest, I was actually scared of being friends with her, not because I don't like her but because I'd get the same treatment if I was seen with her.. And yes, I was stupid, I should've stuck with her and supported her...

That day she told me she wasn't feeling ok and she asked me to drop by and maybe spend a little time with her. I told her I couldn't because well, firstly I had no ride and secondly it was fucking freezing out there and I can't stand the cold. But she kept insisting on me to come and that she needs help but she never said what kind of help or why. So after 10 minutes she gave up and I hung up.

Do you ever get this feeling like something's bad about to happen before it even happens? That suddenly everything seems darker and emotions become suppressed. That's partially what I felt. That something wasn't right, my chest tightened and I felt regret so I dropped the music volume's down and called her again, just to make sure she's ok. She answered of course and she sounded different. I asked her if everything was alright and she said yes everything's fine and that she was just a little bit tired that's all. I offered to do anything, or that maybe I could ask my dad to drop me by when he comes home but she said it'll be too late.

Too late?

I told her I didn't understand. She changed the subject saying she was talking to her grandma, an old lady in her 80 I saw her once she scared me, anyways I hung up again. But that feeling wouldn't leave my chest. So I started drawing and scribbling thinking maybe it'll help me to ignore this feeling. 

This.. Uncomfortable pounding in your heart, I felt it once, the day my friend Alex took her own life. But I just shook the thoughts out of my head because I really didn't wanna go through awful memories all over again.

5:00pm I made lunch, watching some random cartoon and tweeting at the same time. I noticed that Amber was on 15 minutes ago so I was kind of relieved... But why did I feel relieved it's not like I knew what was about to happen..

around 8:00pm my dad came back, earlier than usual and we had lunch together, I told him about the call from Amber and he told me he'd give me a drive if I wanted but I thanked him. I'll probably see her tomorrow at school, I thought. But that tugging at my chest somewhat told me otherwise ,however I chose to ignore it. 

11pm, I was ready to sleep, I was dressed up, set the alarm and I crawled under the covers of my bed. I felt warm and safe there. Closing my eyes I drifted to sleep until a low beep woke me up. My phone at the middle of the night. I was annoyed and frustrated like, who'd call me at almost fucking 12am? Seriously? But as soon as I saw Spiro's number I answered. Spiro is one of my best friends and he's a relative of Amber. Five seconds later I was in utter shock. 

Amber...Is dead? What? When? How? I just talked to her today and she sounded fine. What happened. What have I missed. I felt like puking, I hung up and went straight to the bathroom, everything was spinning and my head was throbbing but I barely noticed because my heart beats covered everything. I felt sick.

This has happened before. I should've saw it coming. I should've. I hated myself, I despised every being of myself. How could I have let this happen. I should've known. That tugging at my chest, the uncomfortable feeling, the thoughts, everything seemed connected. I was helpless. She slipped away right through my fingers. I should've helped her, I should've been there for her, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN but I chose to suppress it and I hated myself, I can't even begin to describe how much I hated myself. 

What ifs filled my head... I just wanted to lie right there and die.

                                                          ---------------------------

At her funeral everything was calm... The weather was a bit cloudy and cold, barely any sunlight though. We were all dressed in black and her parents were crying. They should cry in fact they should drown in tears. They never were home to comfort their daughter, they never knew what she was going through. But who am I to judge? I didn't know what she went through either, I wasn't there for her, we're all to blame.

But I learned to forgive myself, but I could never forget. It's a cycle of life. Same shit keeps repeating itself and you gotta be focused not to fall for the same mistake over and over again. 

I convinced myself I couldn't stay mad and angry nor sad. Someday there's going to be a different girl, with the same problems of insecurity and guilt. And this time I'm going to be there for her.

Thank you, Andy Biersack. ❤

On June 9th 2012. I met Andy Biersack from Black Veil Brides at download festival 2012.
And it was literally the best day of my entire life.

I couldn't believe that, I from among all those people, got a chance to talk to Andy Biersack even for only 5 minutes. I made him a promise that day to try to be more positive, to fight my depression, the need to self harm, suicidal attempts. To always find the bright light even in the darkest situations, not to let anything or anyone put me down. And to keep living with a positive attitude.

I told him my story, and he listened to me. He told me he believed in me, that i'm strong and promised that things always do get better. He asked me to keep my promise for him and myself. I literally bawled in front of him. I told him how much he, the band and their music mean to me and how much they've saved me.

He asked me, the next time we meet, to update him on how i'm doing with this and how i'm feeling..

less than a month ago I turned 15. And 15 days ago I was confirmed to have cancer, Leukemia. And just two days ago one of my friends committed suicide and my parents didn't give me the comfort I need, they never did.. I thought that my life was over. That everything's fucked up. That there's no reason for me to be alive. I remembered that promise I made to Andy and suddenly everything seemed.. Brighter.
I convinced myself to try to maintain being positive. I told myself that i'm not the only 15 year old with cancer, there are other kids even suffering worst types, that million other people suffer the loss of a loved one, that some kids are even being hit and mutilated by their own parents.

I fought my depression and won. I'm now writing this with a smile on my face. And it's all thanks to Andy.

SUPPORT GROUP

I know that some of you are suffering from self harm, suicidal attempts and/or thoughts, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, self hate and other problems.. I want to help every single one of you. 

SELF HARM

I'm a self harmer and I know how hard it is to stop, because it's an addiction. Recovery is so hard, but believe me, its worth it. You can learn to be happy and pain free as time goes by, because I believe in you all and I know you're all strong. 

Self harm alternatives and tips

Try the butterfly method. When you have the urge to cut, draw a butterfly where you want to harm yourself and name it after a loved one, or someone that wants you to get better. If you cut, the butterfly dies. You have to wash it off. If it wears off (and you didn't cut), it is released into the wild to be free. Congratulations -- you made it Another idea is the pen method. Grab a red pen and draw lines (or squiggles or peace signs or whatever floats your goat) all over where'd you cut. When you're done, count the lines. That's how many scars you won't have. 

Carry pictures of your friends and families, look at them whenever you think of harming yourself and say that, the people you will be hurting wont just be you... it will be the people in the pictures as well.

Take a picture of yourself, then print it out. Take a lighter and burn it, when you do this, you're burning the old you and starting a new you.

No matter how hard it may seem, talk to your best friend about it. When you feel like you need to cut again, call them and ask them for an idea to keep your mind off if it, or maybe just talking to them will help. Always believe in yourself. You are an amazing person and don't deserve it. Stay strong and think about people that do love you instead of people that may have bullied you.

SUICIDE

I've tried to kill myself too many times, and failed all times. If one of my Slothticles died, I'd be beyond devastated.. because we're a family now. If you ever feel suicidal then promise to talk to someone, me, your friends anyone. Theres always a reason to live.. 

IF YOUR HEROES ARE STILL HERE, THEN YOU CAN BE AS STRONG AS THEM...

You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.

People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.

EATING DISORDERS

YOU, are enough.. being skinny means nothing. Infact, you're just ruining your body. You're making yourself unhealthy.. maybe you'll think you'll be beautiful and thin but your body will break down. I LOVE YOU HOW YOU ARE <3

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GAINING?!

What do eating disorders make you do?

The two most common types are:

anorexia nervosa - This involves starving the body to an unhealthily low weight. Our hair can fall out. Our bones get thin. Our nails get brittle. Our periods may stop. Dark downy hair can start growing on our arms. Such a bad look. Worst of all, we feel miserable.

bulimia nervosa - This involves bingeing food. This means stuffing in food in a fast, helpless way. Then vomiting after eating. Or taking laxatives (pills that make you poo more) to try to lose weight. Our teeth start to rot. And we feel miserable.

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