There's no such thing as immortality.

All my life, I always felt unlucky. I used to always watch kids around me bubbling with laughter and filled with joviality, having a hand to hold, ears to confine secrets to, bodies to heat and fingers to wipe away their straining tears.

And then there's me. The only girl with no one but herself to hold and console.

I'm talking about friendship.

Not love but something else that is forever craved by a beating heart.

And my beating heart still lusts over it.

All my life I've never felt the magic behind friendship or maybe I have, for a fraction, but the magic soon turned into a black crow eating at my insides.

Friend ship has back stabbed me so many times.

I've lost the ability to pronounce the word friend let alone trust.

Every person I've let come near has abandoned me leaving nothing but open scars.

I've given up on frienship.

Be careful if you're reading this and trust me saying this. Never give a friend your full will and soul because they might hold on to it but the time will come when that hold tightens up only to crush.

And you'll be left unhealed.

I'm not being narcissistic like some might say, I have nothing against real friendship. If you've been so blessed as to have one then you're one in a million who's been oh so miraculously given mercy and shielded from the darkness that evolves around that word.

Friendship.

I just want to beg you all to never give anyone your full trust. Don't ever rely on someone like your whole being depended on them. They're not from the same blood. They'd never fully appreciate you back, no matter how close you are.

There's always a demon.

Some things are better unsaid.

Stay Strong; You're not alone (♥)

" if you ever felt alone, if you ever felt rejected, if you ever felt confused, if you ever felt lost, if you ever felt anxious, if you ever felt wrong, if you ever felt wronged, if you ever felt unclean, if you ever felt angry, if you ever felt ashamed, if you ever felt curious, if you ever felt used. " - My Chemical Romance.

Know you're not alone.

I bet most of the time you wonder, why your life is so meaningless, why doesn't anybody like you or share your interests, why you are neglected and ignored, why you are so worthless, why you're made fun of, why you are abused, why you self harm, why you are suicidal, why you are alienated, why you have no friends, why you are so empty .. 

Firstly, YOU ARE A UNIQUE PERSON and you're beautiful. Yes, yes you are. The outside is just an empty shell, what matters is what is on the inside, that's the real you, that's where your beauty really lies. 

Secondly, you're not alone. All those feelings you have, all those problems and depression and self harm or whatever you're going through. Please remember, it's not just you. There are thousands maybe millions of teenagers suffering what you're going through. And I'm one of them. I've been suffering from major depressive disorder for two years now, i had this one friend i lost because of other kids telling her how she should stop talking to me because i'm weird and a loser. Every day my mom screams at me and hits me for practically no reason. I self harm, I even have suicidal thoughts now and then. I'm even writing this at my aunt's house because my mom kicked me out. She simply said she doesn't want me anymore. But I'm not letting that affect me, I am fighting.

I said this to make you know, that you're not the only one suffering. 

I know that "Life gets better and you'll be okay" sounds as a lie to you all of the time, but if you don't fight to make those words come true, then you have nothing. No matter how shitty and fucked up your life is, it does get better only if you fight.  

Remember that you have friends and family, try to be open and talk out what's bothering you to the most person you know who won't judge you or hurt you. Those people can make the healing process 100% more easier. Talk to a friend you trust or a family member and if you have no person to go to, counselling always helps. I started going to sessions two days ago and talked everything out and it made me feel so much better, just letting all the negative emotions and thoughts suppressed inside fly out. 

" I promise you, I felt so hopeless and I know you do too, but I promise you guys a thousand times, that recovery is really possible, you can get through this, you can over come it whatever your issue may be. "

fucking forget the haters. You see, some people, this fucked up society they want you dead. They want you to give up and hurt yourself  because some of them are cruel with no heart. They're the type of people that feed on others' suffering and misery, but in the end they achieve nothing. Because hate never gets you anywhere and if you hurt yourself you're just losing to them and they'll simply move to somebody else to torture when you break down. So don't. Stay strong and keep your head up so the crown won't fall and walk forward, because I believe you can do anything. 

And one of the biggest evidence that life gets better are idols. Those people who we look up too. Just think about it, stop whatever you're doing for a moment and think, why are they your idols? Why do they mean so much to you? Why do you look up to them so much? And i'm sure 80% would say the same thing.

"They had the same past, same problems and they made it through." or "They achieved what i'm trying to achiever or who i wanna be in the future." And that gives you hope to move along, and push through everything to become like them. 

Some of my idols that's inspired me to be the strong person I am today are Vic Fuentes, Austin Carlile, Oli Sykes, Kellin Quinn, Chris Motionless even Eminem. They all went through shit from self harm to bullying to losing a loved one to not being accepted to have a broken home to anxiety attacks to drugs, everything! 

But look at them now.  They didn't give up to their circumstances, they battled against them and won, they used all that sadness and anger and hurt and suffering into creating something beautiful. Art. 

They dropped the blade and picked up the pen. And just from this simple decision, they changed the life of millions.

There are so many things you can look up to and admire that'll give you the strength you need and in the process. You have to convince yourself to stay positive and push away all the negative. That's the only way you'll succeed. 

I'm crossing my fingers for all of you, because you're all special and unique people who have a great life ahead of you and I know you have the will within you. (♥) 

at 11:45 something happened and it changed my life.

on the 28th of September, at 11:45pm something happened and it changed my life.

It was my wake up call.

It started off like any other normal, boring day. The weather in London where I live is cold and damp. It's not very tempting at all to wake up and be faced with a depressive atmosphere.. The only positive thing that day was, there wasn't school. They gave us a day off to be able to join in the school's carnival, which I never would because let's face it, I'm no party girl. And besides I don't have that many friends so I made up my mind to stay home and probably listen to some music like usual.. I was basically home alone since my parents come back from work around 9pm and my brother was sleeping over at his friend's. 

A single phone call started it all.. 

It was about 1pm or so I can't really remember that my friend, Amber called me. We weren't that close though, me and Amber, we barely spoke to each other but we did once share three classes together, we connected and started talking more frequent, but it wasn't that much of a bond, just a passing-time friendship. But I did know how much Amber was stressed. I knew that her family are barely at home, her brother has left them to run after his dreams somewhere in Canada so she was stuck with two religious parents. She didn't have much of friends too. She wasn't the type of girl you'd like to occasionally go out with. She had her own beliefs and style, that's what I most admired about her, she was herself without caring what others thought, but she was getting it pretty tough. The hate. She had a slightly gothic style so everyone believed she was satanist and sometimes they'd spit at her or spread rude rumors about her.. To be honest, I was actually scared of being friends with her, not because I don't like her but because I'd get the same treatment if I was seen with her.. And yes, I was stupid, I should've stuck with her and supported her...

That day she told me she wasn't feeling ok and she asked me to drop by and maybe spend a little time with her. I told her I couldn't because well, firstly I had no ride and secondly it was fucking freezing out there and I can't stand the cold. But she kept insisting on me to come and that she needs help but she never said what kind of help or why. So after 10 minutes she gave up and I hung up.

Do you ever get this feeling like something's bad about to happen before it even happens? That suddenly everything seems darker and emotions become suppressed. That's partially what I felt. That something wasn't right, my chest tightened and I felt regret so I dropped the music volume's down and called her again, just to make sure she's ok. She answered of course and she sounded different. I asked her if everything was alright and she said yes everything's fine and that she was just a little bit tired that's all. I offered to do anything, or that maybe I could ask my dad to drop me by when he comes home but she said it'll be too late.

Too late?

I told her I didn't understand. She changed the subject saying she was talking to her grandma, an old lady in her 80 I saw her once she scared me, anyways I hung up again. But that feeling wouldn't leave my chest. So I started drawing and scribbling thinking maybe it'll help me to ignore this feeling. 

This.. Uncomfortable pounding in your heart, I felt it once, the day my friend Alex took her own life. But I just shook the thoughts out of my head because I really didn't wanna go through awful memories all over again.

5:00pm I made lunch, watching some random cartoon and tweeting at the same time. I noticed that Amber was on 15 minutes ago so I was kind of relieved... But why did I feel relieved it's not like I knew what was about to happen..

around 8:00pm my dad came back, earlier than usual and we had lunch together, I told him about the call from Amber and he told me he'd give me a drive if I wanted but I thanked him. I'll probably see her tomorrow at school, I thought. But that tugging at my chest somewhat told me otherwise ,however I chose to ignore it. 

11pm, I was ready to sleep, I was dressed up, set the alarm and I crawled under the covers of my bed. I felt warm and safe there. Closing my eyes I drifted to sleep until a low beep woke me up. My phone at the middle of the night. I was annoyed and frustrated like, who'd call me at almost fucking 12am? Seriously? But as soon as I saw Spiro's number I answered. Spiro is one of my best friends and he's a relative of Amber. Five seconds later I was in utter shock. 

Amber...Is dead? What? When? How? I just talked to her today and she sounded fine. What happened. What have I missed. I felt like puking, I hung up and went straight to the bathroom, everything was spinning and my head was throbbing but I barely noticed because my heart beats covered everything. I felt sick.

This has happened before. I should've saw it coming. I should've. I hated myself, I despised every being of myself. How could I have let this happen. I should've known. That tugging at my chest, the uncomfortable feeling, the thoughts, everything seemed connected. I was helpless. She slipped away right through my fingers. I should've helped her, I should've been there for her, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN but I chose to suppress it and I hated myself, I can't even begin to describe how much I hated myself. 

What ifs filled my head... I just wanted to lie right there and die.

                                                          ---------------------------

At her funeral everything was calm... The weather was a bit cloudy and cold, barely any sunlight though. We were all dressed in black and her parents were crying. They should cry in fact they should drown in tears. They never were home to comfort their daughter, they never knew what she was going through. But who am I to judge? I didn't know what she went through either, I wasn't there for her, we're all to blame.

But I learned to forgive myself, but I could never forget. It's a cycle of life. Same shit keeps repeating itself and you gotta be focused not to fall for the same mistake over and over again. 

I convinced myself I couldn't stay mad and angry nor sad. Someday there's going to be a different girl, with the same problems of insecurity and guilt. And this time I'm going to be there for her.

Stand Tall and Work Work Work!

Let's say I'm out of inspiration 'cause I've just woken up and I hadn't been sleeping well. I can almost feel my head throbbing but I just gotta make a point before I forget what I had in mind, like usual.

I'M JUST SO SAD.
I missed Warped Tour again. It's not my fault it's always held in impossible places, I just wish for once they'd make it close to where I live, I'm dying to meet my idols, Sleeping With Sirens, Pierce The Veil, Black Veil Brides and oh, of course, Bring Me The Horizon. You've got NO idea what I'll do just to see Oliver Sykes in his own flesh and blood! Recently, I became very attached to him, probably because his songs make me cry uncontrollably. It's just so honest and touching, like he can dig deep in you and pull out all of your buried emotions. I don't know what I'll do without BMTH. 

I've been even writing this long letter for Oli if I ever get to meet him...

Another point to make clear here, I HATE PEOPLE JUDGING ME FOR WHAT I LIKE.

Like, they have no right to judge me or hate on me for liking those bands/music or even digging men with piercings and tattoos. It's my personality, it's what I LIKE so deal with it?! So what if I'm not into cute little boys with bangs and striped t-shirts? And what if I like men with tattoos all over their bodies and piercings?

Let's be honest though, they're hotter, though most of the people won't admit it. 

I just think everyone should stick to their opinion and fight for it. Don't let others judge you or make fun of you or even try to change your mind about what YOU like. In these cases, raise your middle finger and make it clear that you don't give a shit about what they think as long as you're content with it.

Bullying should stop. No one's better than the other, just because some people are pampered and petted by their parents and spoilt with money doesn't mean they can pick on poorer, quiet people. Just stop. They don't have the right. Fight against them and show them what you're capable of. I'm not talking about fighting or even getting to a point where you'd hurt someone, No, I'm saying use your brain. Outsmart them and then when you've accomplished something big in your life and maybe just maybe affected other people with it, you'll be the one standing tall laughing at them. 

Never give in, Work work work. Make yourself noticeable. Worthy. Make your own name. Let the world know you exist. You can all make something great out of the simplest things. 

You have my encouragement to begin with. So push yourself up and keep going.

Forget the haters and be who you are.

and never forget, ALWAYS FORGIVE.

                            Sleeping With Sirens;Kellin Quinn.