Thank you, Andy Biersack. ❤

On June 9th 2012. I met Andy Biersack from Black Veil Brides at download festival 2012.
And it was literally the best day of my entire life.

I couldn't believe that, I from among all those people, got a chance to talk to Andy Biersack even for only 5 minutes. I made him a promise that day to try to be more positive, to fight my depression, the need to self harm, suicidal attempts. To always find the bright light even in the darkest situations, not to let anything or anyone put me down. And to keep living with a positive attitude.

I told him my story, and he listened to me. He told me he believed in me, that i'm strong and promised that things always do get better. He asked me to keep my promise for him and myself. I literally bawled in front of him. I told him how much he, the band and their music mean to me and how much they've saved me.

He asked me, the next time we meet, to update him on how i'm doing with this and how i'm feeling..

less than a month ago I turned 15. And 15 days ago I was confirmed to have cancer, Leukemia. And just two days ago one of my friends committed suicide and my parents didn't give me the comfort I need, they never did.. I thought that my life was over. That everything's fucked up. That there's no reason for me to be alive. I remembered that promise I made to Andy and suddenly everything seemed.. Brighter.
I convinced myself to try to maintain being positive. I told myself that i'm not the only 15 year old with cancer, there are other kids even suffering worst types, that million other people suffer the loss of a loved one, that some kids are even being hit and mutilated by their own parents.

I fought my depression and won. I'm now writing this with a smile on my face. And it's all thanks to Andy.

SUPPORT GROUP

I know that some of you are suffering from self harm, suicidal attempts and/or thoughts, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, self hate and other problems.. I want to help every single one of you. 

SELF HARM

I'm a self harmer and I know how hard it is to stop, because it's an addiction. Recovery is so hard, but believe me, its worth it. You can learn to be happy and pain free as time goes by, because I believe in you all and I know you're all strong. 

Self harm alternatives and tips

Try the butterfly method. When you have the urge to cut, draw a butterfly where you want to harm yourself and name it after a loved one, or someone that wants you to get better. If you cut, the butterfly dies. You have to wash it off. If it wears off (and you didn't cut), it is released into the wild to be free. Congratulations -- you made it Another idea is the pen method. Grab a red pen and draw lines (or squiggles or peace signs or whatever floats your goat) all over where'd you cut. When you're done, count the lines. That's how many scars you won't have. 

Carry pictures of your friends and families, look at them whenever you think of harming yourself and say that, the people you will be hurting wont just be you... it will be the people in the pictures as well.

Take a picture of yourself, then print it out. Take a lighter and burn it, when you do this, you're burning the old you and starting a new you.

No matter how hard it may seem, talk to your best friend about it. When you feel like you need to cut again, call them and ask them for an idea to keep your mind off if it, or maybe just talking to them will help. Always believe in yourself. You are an amazing person and don't deserve it. Stay strong and think about people that do love you instead of people that may have bullied you.

SUICIDE

I've tried to kill myself too many times, and failed all times. If one of my Slothticles died, I'd be beyond devastated.. because we're a family now. If you ever feel suicidal then promise to talk to someone, me, your friends anyone. Theres always a reason to live.. 

IF YOUR HEROES ARE STILL HERE, THEN YOU CAN BE AS STRONG AS THEM...

You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.

People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.

EATING DISORDERS

YOU, are enough.. being skinny means nothing. Infact, you're just ruining your body. You're making yourself unhealthy.. maybe you'll think you'll be beautiful and thin but your body will break down. I LOVE YOU HOW YOU ARE <3

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GAINING?!

What do eating disorders make you do?

The two most common types are:

anorexia nervosa - This involves starving the body to an unhealthily low weight. Our hair can fall out. Our bones get thin. Our nails get brittle. Our periods may stop. Dark downy hair can start growing on our arms. Such a bad look. Worst of all, we feel miserable.

bulimia nervosa - This involves bingeing food. This means stuffing in food in a fast, helpless way. Then vomiting after eating. Or taking laxatives (pills that make you poo more) to try to lose weight. Our teeth start to rot. And we feel miserable.

HOTLINES

Stand up for yourself.

>this happened three years ago before my friend, Alex passed away. I've talked about her death in previous blogs so if you're new to this, be sure to go through it from the beginning<

Alright where do I begin?

A bunch of girls at my school picked me from over 1000 students and decided to make my life a living hell.
It started with mean words like "loser, lame, boring" then got bigger and bigger until every word in the book was spat on me "bitch, slut, whore, nobody likes you, die" you name it! Then the rumors came. It spread to the entire school and I was said to be a satanist and that I killed my own cousin... Yes, it got this far.
Soon enough no one would talk to me but that one friend who stayed by my side, her name was Alex,  but bullying soon enough killed her and I couldn't do anything about it but I've talked about it before, so back to my story.
Everything started escalating quickly. I was soon neglected and crowned as the "emo" of the class and I never said anything or complained about it to anybody because I had no one to trust, not even my family so I just kept it to myself..
And everyday I'd go home, lock myself up in my room, cry my eyes out and run sharpies over my body but I never cut. I always stopped myself and played music so loud so no one would hear my crying and yelling that I just could not take this anymore.
One day, one of the mean girls was telling jokes about my in class and I immediately started boiling inside as I was so fucking fed up with everything they did and without thinking or knowing what was I doing. I stood up and yelled at her to shut the fuck up. And out of the blue she came up behind me and punched me on the back of my neck.. This time I didn't stand quiet, I turned around and fucking punched her back.

We beat the hell out of each other until we were broke apart. She got the worst of it luckily. But I ended up going to court and and doing community service for fighting back.

Fucked up right?

But I guess what I'm saying is, always stand up for yourself. Don't let anyone walk all over you. Don't be afraid, ever. Because when I finally stood up against them. They left me alone. Killing yourself is never the answer because things do get better. I promise.