on the 28th of September, at 11:45pm something happened and it changed my life.
It was my wake up call.
It started off like any other normal, boring day. The weather in London where I live is cold and damp. It's not very tempting at all to wake up and be faced with a depressive atmosphere.. The only positive thing that day was, there wasn't school. They gave us a day off to be able to join in the school's carnival, which I never would because let's face it, I'm no party girl. And besides I don't have that many friends so I made up my mind to stay home and probably listen to some music like usual.. I was basically home alone since my parents come back from work around 9pm and my brother was sleeping over at his friend's.
A single phone call started it all..
It was about 1pm or so I can't really remember that my friend, Amber called me. We weren't that close though, me and Amber, we barely spoke to each other but we did once share three classes together, we connected and started talking more frequent, but it wasn't that much of a bond, just a passing-time friendship. But I did know how much Amber was stressed. I knew that her family are barely at home, her brother has left them to run after his dreams somewhere in Canada so she was stuck with two religious parents. She didn't have much of friends too. She wasn't the type of girl you'd like to occasionally go out with. She had her own beliefs and style, that's what I most admired about her, she was herself without caring what others thought, but she was getting it pretty tough. The hate. She had a slightly gothic style so everyone believed she was satanist and sometimes they'd spit at her or spread rude rumors about her.. To be honest, I was actually scared of being friends with her, not because I don't like her but because I'd get the same treatment if I was seen with her.. And yes, I was stupid, I should've stuck with her and supported her...
That day she told me she wasn't feeling ok and she asked me to drop by and maybe spend a little time with her. I told her I couldn't because well, firstly I had no ride and secondly it was fucking freezing out there and I can't stand the cold. But she kept insisting on me to come and that she needs help but she never said what kind of help or why. So after 10 minutes she gave up and I hung up.
Do you ever get this feeling like something's bad about to happen before it even happens? That suddenly everything seems darker and emotions become suppressed. That's partially what I felt. That something wasn't right, my chest tightened and I felt regret so I dropped the music volume's down and called her again, just to make sure she's ok. She answered of course and she sounded different. I asked her if everything was alright and she said yes everything's fine and that she was just a little bit tired that's all. I offered to do anything, or that maybe I could ask my dad to drop me by when he comes home but she said it'll be too late.
Too late?
I told her I didn't understand. She changed the subject saying she was talking to her grandma, an old lady in her 80 I saw her once she scared me, anyways I hung up again. But that feeling wouldn't leave my chest. So I started drawing and scribbling thinking maybe it'll help me to ignore this feeling.
This.. Uncomfortable pounding in your heart, I felt it once, the day my friend Alex took her own life. But I just shook the thoughts out of my head because I really didn't wanna go through awful memories all over again.
5:00pm I made lunch, watching some random cartoon and tweeting at the same time. I noticed that Amber was on 15 minutes ago so I was kind of relieved... But why did I feel relieved it's not like I knew what was about to happen..
around 8:00pm my dad came back, earlier than usual and we had lunch together, I told him about the call from Amber and he told me he'd give me a drive if I wanted but I thanked him. I'll probably see her tomorrow at school, I thought. But that tugging at my chest somewhat told me otherwise ,however I chose to ignore it.
11pm, I was ready to sleep, I was dressed up, set the alarm and I crawled under the covers of my bed. I felt warm and safe there. Closing my eyes I drifted to sleep until a low beep woke me up. My phone at the middle of the night. I was annoyed and frustrated like, who'd call me at almost fucking 12am? Seriously? But as soon as I saw Spiro's number I answered. Spiro is one of my best friends and he's a relative of Amber. Five seconds later I was in utter shock.
Amber...Is dead? What? When? How? I just talked to her today and she sounded fine. What happened. What have I missed. I felt like puking, I hung up and went straight to the bathroom, everything was spinning and my head was throbbing but I barely noticed because my heart beats covered everything. I felt sick.
This has happened before. I should've saw it coming. I should've. I hated myself, I despised every being of myself. How could I have let this happen. I should've known. That tugging at my chest, the uncomfortable feeling, the thoughts, everything seemed connected. I was helpless. She slipped away right through my fingers. I should've helped her, I should've been there for her, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN but I chose to suppress it and I hated myself, I can't even begin to describe how much I hated myself.
What ifs filled my head... I just wanted to lie right there and die.
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At her funeral everything was calm... The weather was a bit cloudy and cold, barely any sunlight though. We were all dressed in black and her parents were crying. They should cry in fact they should drown in tears. They never were home to comfort their daughter, they never knew what she was going through. But who am I to judge? I didn't know what she went through either, I wasn't there for her, we're all to blame.
But I learned to forgive myself, but I could never forget. It's a cycle of life. Same shit keeps repeating itself and you gotta be focused not to fall for the same mistake over and over again.
I convinced myself I couldn't stay mad and angry nor sad. Someday there's going to be a different girl, with the same problems of insecurity and guilt. And this time I'm going to be there for her.
